Defrost Your Limiting Beliefs

In her book Finding Your Own North Star, life coach and sociologist Martha Beck shares an exercise she’s adapted from Julia Cameron’s The Artist Way. What results is a new take on affirmations: Here, we’re not trying to trick our brains or even worry about shifting our energy or what-have-you. Instead, the affirmation simply serves as a key to unlock the truth of a situation so that we can learn from it, move past it, and use that insight as a way to still achieve our dreams and goals. By getting to the truth of a situation, we gain new perspective, seeing things as they really are, instead of allowing ourselves to be run by untrue stories (or desires) that are running us.

Beck, who claims this is one of the most effective tools in her arsenal of self-help wonders, says this:

“This exercise isn’t meant to realize your dreams in exactly the way you expect. Its effect is to free your imagination and revive your hope by embracing the possible.”

Defrosting Your Limiting Beliefs

Directions: Grab a sheet of paper, your journal, whatever. At the top, write a dream you have that feels impossible or at least not attainable for a lot of reasons. It could also be a dream where you feel like the ship has sailed (a writing residency or program you weren’t chosen for). Something you may have totally abandoned. It doesn’t matter how improbable it is, just something that is emotionally tender for you.

Take a few moments to arrive in your body, the space, this activity (no cell phones, please!). Breathe.

Now:

Draw a line down the center of the paper.

On the left, you’re going to write number one and then this affirmation:

“My dream is coming true.”

On the right, you’re going to write whatever your brain “blurts” out in response. You will keep doing this (see below) until you feel you’ve reached some insight into this situation that allows you to view it from a different perspective. It kind of reminds me of the Meisner acting technique, where, through repetition, your finally arrive at the truth.

Here’s a personal one for me:

Dream: MY BOOK DIDN’T RECEIVE ANY STAR REVIEWS

1. My dream is coming true.                            My books are never going to get recognition.

2. My dream is coming true.                            Not possible. The reviews are out—the ship has sailed.

3. My dream is coming true.                            You’re invisible.

4. My dream is coming true.                            Obviously you’re not A team for publishing.

5. My dream is coming true.                            You’re never going to make a living or the list.

6. My dream is coming true.                            You’ll have to quit because low reviews = bad #’s.

7. My dream is coming true.                            Kirkus doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

8. My dream is coming true.                            Just because you didn’t get a star doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it.

9. My dream is coming true.                            I deserve a star for my book.

10. My dream is coming true.                         I wrote a star-worthy book.

Okay, so hopefully you see the healing that took place for me as I wrote this list. Wow! Sure, I didn’t get the star—the reviews are out and that’s a done deal. But I went from being run by the story that I’m invisible and the star heralds ultimate failure, to this new thought lane built on positive self-regard and optimism:

Me: “My book didn’t receive any star reviews.”

Me: “So? You wrote a star-worthy book.”

And sure, there are still the realities that there can be career ramifications for not getting a star, but let’s blow your mind for a moment:

Once you’re coming at a lost dream from a place of relative peace, you’ve built a foundation for doing the deeper work of questioning the stories you tell yourself even more (untrue or limiting beliefs / thoughts).

For example, I could still know not getting a star could herald diminishing popularity as a writer—it is a business, after all…or I could call up every book I know of that is wildly popular and didn’t receive star reviews. Which one is likely to keep my head in the game and my eyes on my own page?

So while this dream is done, I no longer feel certain my career is over or that I will never get a star. I ALSO know I deserve one, which takes the sting out and lets me keep my head held high. That sense of surety is certainly going to show up in my author presence as confidence and that will go a long way toward readers wanting to read my book because we all want to read the words of writers who know what’s what about themselves and reality. And it will telegraph to my publishers that I might be a good candidate for events and pitches to media. Which could then lead to more visibility. Which could then lead to…something shiny and five-pointed  for my next book.

Then, I could go even DEEPER and begin working on recognizing the ebb and flow of success and failure and realize that, like creative blocks and detours, this TOO—not getting a star—is part of the process. And look at all the times when I did get a star and it didn’t help my book do better or make me happier. Or the friends who have stars, but it’s not enough for them. And then I get a REALLY cosmic perspective and think about what a star review is in comparison to an actual star and then who CARES about the review?????

And then: enlightenment. Obviously.

The Real Lesson

Because the universe has magical timing, just after I sent this work to my writers as an assignment to do themselves, I opened my email (to send it to them) and saw that something had come in from my publisher…a starred-review for my book. WHAT?!

Here is the real kicker: Because I had just finished this thought work I didn’t care about the star.

This is where this work really gets cooking.

It’s one thing to adjust yourself to a disappointment and think Onward! But you unlock a whole new level of self-worth when you get the thing you thought you wanted / needed to feel validated or safe (fill in your own story here) and suddenly realize that all that glitters isn’t gold. You are enough.

That doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy about the star in terms of how it might support my book’s livelihood, but it meant that I didn’t connect that star to my own self worth or believe that it made my book better or made me believe in my book. I already knew my book was star-worthy: the reviewers were playing catch up, and this was old news.

And this is the real gold star of this work:

You reclaim your personal power when you recognize that these things you want, while they might be nice, are not going to make you happier or more fulfilled.

I recommend doing this work whenever those inner gremlins come up – it’s not a one and done. In order to reclaim our power and step into it, we need to have this vigilance. The world is going to tell us we’re lacking. We need to write a different story.

Here’s to revising!

How To Change The Genre of Your Thoughts

“Tell me what you pay attention to, and I will tell you who you are. ”

— José Ortega Y Gassett

When Our Imaginations Turn Against Us

We writers are really good at telling stories. Problem is, we tell a lot of stories to ourselves about ourselves that simply aren’t true.

I’m invisible, I’ll never write this book, I’m lazy, I’m creatively blocked, etcetera: These are all fiction, but we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that these limiting beliefs are fact—non-fiction.

In order to turn our limiting beliefs into invitations for skillful inquiry - and a nice dose of reality - we need to change the genre of our thoughts from fiction to non-fiction.

How To Change The Genre of Your Thoughts

Step One: Identify the stories you tell yourself (“I’m invisible, I’ll never be published, I’m not a good writer, I procrastinate all the time, etc.”)

Step Two: Separate the story threads—you likely have lots of thoughts that surround scarcity, other thoughts surrounding perfectionism, etc.

Step Three: Put each grouping of thoughts under an umbrella label (or, an anthology, if you will) - keep it playful! It’s more fun that way and this mindfulness habit has a better chance of sticking if you keep it light and easy. All stories you tell yourself about being a procrastinator? Give them a story name. “This is my Couch Potato Story.” All stories about being a perfectionist? “This is my gold star story.”

Step Four: Whenever you notice the thoughts under any particular story umbrella come into your mind, label them. For example, any time you have a thought that you are 100% lazy, just note it playfully: “Oh, look – there’s my couch potato story.”

Do this labeling for a week. Simply noting the stories is peak mindfulness for writers. You’re aware of the story patterns in your brain, when they come up, and maybe even how they land in your body. You start to realize how often you’re filling your head with limiting beliefs and you might even begin to see how those beliefs are affecting your writing practice.

After a week or so, when you’re really mindful of the stories and labeling them like it’s no thing…

Step Five: When the thoughts arise, assess whether they are “fiction” or “non-fiction.” Spoiler alert: most of your limiting beliefs and negative self-talk are fiction.

Step Six: This is where the magic happens. You’re going to revise your story, changing the genre from fiction to non-fiction.

Here’s an example from one of my stories, “The Madwoman in the Attic.”

I name all thoughts that tell me I’m not working hard enough, that I don’t have enough hours in the day, that I’m behind, that I need to hustle for my worth or the gold star through overwork under this story umbrella.

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Thought: “There aren’t enough hours in my day.”

Mindful Noting: “Heyyyyyy, Madwoman. I see you up there.”

Fiction or non-fiction?: “This thought is fiction.”

Change the Genre to Non-Fiction: “There are enough hours in my day and if I don’t like that, I’m going to have to take it up with the universe because everyone gets 24 hours. Problem is, I’m trying to pack more work than is possible in my 24 hours.”

Inquiry: Now that I know that my issue is me overloading my day, I see an invitation to inquiry: What’s taking up all this time when I’m pretty sure I planned my day well? I have a planner! I’m organized! What the what?!

I decided to look over my days and figure out where I was leaking time (kind of like your car leaks oil and you have no idea because you’re, you know, in the car):

I discovered that I wasn’t having clear enough boundaries with my email. Sure, I’m careful to be intentional about when I check it (#mindfulness), but I noticed that I felt compelled to answer those emails, even when it meant cutting into my writing time.

(See how easy it is to have your writing time slip away?)

Action Step: I decided to respect my time more and put a little disclaimer in my email signature: I’d respond to emails within 24-48 hours, M-F. This gives me a healthy break from my inbox on both Saturdays, my writer’s sabbath, and Sundays too. Plus, it gives me a buffer as needed.

When you look at the tasks in your day, those seemingly small pockets of minutes REALLY add up.

Now, when my Madwoman tells me I don’t have enough hours in the day, I know that’s an invitation to look at where my time is leaking, or how I’m not using the time I have well. “Heyyyyyy, Madwoman. I see you. Time to revise.”

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Story Alchemy: Changing Genres In Action

Let’s do another example:

You didn’t write today and you think, “I’m not committed to my writing.” This is fiction. You obviously are because you’re reading this blog post and only writers committed to their writing bother to improve their writing practice. So, you need to change the genre of your thought in order to not be run by this limiting belief. The less this belief runs you, the more bandwidth you have to create—it’s not taking up all that space, so you get to convert that worry energy to creative energy.

Step One: Recognize the thought

Step Two: Note that your thought is “fiction”

Step Two: Name the story umbrella that thought lives under

Step Three: Change the genre of your thought

• Fiction: I’m not committed to my writing.

• Non-fiction: I didn’t write today because I decided to go on Amazon instead.

Which one is more workable for you? I’m guessing the latter. If you have the thought that you’re not committed to your writing, there’s nowhere to go from there other than throw a dance party to Morrissey with your Inner Critic.

By changing the genre of your thoughts, you have a realistic assessment of your performance.

You’ve noted something that’s not working for your writing practice - going into your Amazon cart instead of into your story - and now you can determine best next steps.

This might mean that tomorrow, you turn off your WiFi during your writing session. Or you reward yourself with your writing session with a little retail therapy. Whatever you decide to do, you’re no longer being run by a fictional story.

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Exploration: Revising Your Stories

Mindmap or journal about the following:

• What are the stories you’re telling yourself?

• Is there a larger narrative, an anthology, if you will, that all these stories rest under? For example, I have a writer who always feels behind and she calls the stories she tells herself about this “My White Rabbit Story.” (re: Alice in Wonderland)

• Try changing the genre of your thoughts on paper to see how this process plays out.

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How To Apply This Concept To Your Characters

I plot from the inside out, meaning that all plot comes out of what I call the “Keyring Of Desire” in my Unlock Process: Desperate Desire, Unconscious Need, and Misbelief.

Any kind of work I do on myself—this sort of self-development inquiry we’ve been working with today—can be applied to my characters.

• What are the stories your character tells herself? (Misbelief)

• How can she change the genre of her thoughts? And how would this affect plot / story once she does? This relates to Unconscious Need - what the proto needs, but doesn’t realize she needs (also known as the wound they need to heal over the course of the book to recognize their innate wholeness) - because the most emotionally satisfying climaxes are the ones in which the protagonist changes the genre of her misbelief about herself or the world from what she thinks is fact to fiction. Thus, she taps into and receives her Unconscious Need. For example: Story: I’m worthless. Genre Change: I’m not worthless, but the people around me are telling me I am.

• If you’re struggling to figure out your proto’s Desperate Desire - what they are consciously going after in the book - take a look at their stories and flip them on their head. The stories are a key to what they want in their life, but don’t yet have.

Pro-Tip: Any self-development work you do can also be applied to your protagonist and secondary characters.

Here’s to telling true stories so that you can write great fiction!

Resources & Further Reading

“Sports Psychology For Writers” : https://heatherdemetrios.com/blog/sports-psychology-for-writers

Mindfulness For Writers In Action

Below is an Instagram story I put up after an insightful experience I had at Shakespeare & Co in Paris back in 2018. For me, this is the best way to illustrate how the practice of mindfulness has transformed my life as a writer.