How To Guard Your Solitude

“...the highest task of a bond between two people [is] that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other...”

— Rilke

I wanted to pop in with a few helpful hints I've been sharing more than ever with the writers I work with, many of whom are struggling to maintain focus and boundaries around their creativity during this time of social distancing. Writing is hard in the best of times. During a global pandemic rife with fear and uncertainty, it can feel downright impossible.

Don’t worry if right now you feel like you can’t stand guard over your own solitude. That’s why I’m here. It’s my raison d’être as a writing coach and mindfulness mentor. Through my practices, tools, and gentle prodding, my hope is that, together, we can help you build a sustainable and flourishing writing practice that works for you NO MATTER WHAT. In sickness and in health.

Permission Slip

First, I want to say this, in case you need to hear it: It’s okay to take a break from writing if that’s what feels most nourishing to you right now. I don’t know about you, but I want my writing to be the harbor, not the storm. If writing feels like a drag right now, if it doesn’t help you feel safer and more grounded and more centered during this time…then why would you do that? Why would you do anything that adds to your psychic or emotional pain right now?

Writing As Harbor, As Lighthouse, As Sanctuary

If writing is the thing that keeps you sane, if it’s the lens through which you view the world (and thus make sense of these unprecedented times), if it’s what makes you you, and if it lights and fills you up (even when it drives you nuts), then you must write. For your health. For the health of those near you. For the health of our planet’s future.

And yet, writing might feel harder than ever before, what with the world being so topsy turvy.

Even if you don't suddenly have a full house to contend with (or, as one writer mentioned on Twitter, neighbors who are DJs that have decided to turn their apartments into a club) or other major upheavals, simply trying to maintain focus when everything has suddenly become so uncertain can be an enormous barrier to getting your work done. You might even be wondering what the point of writing is anyway.

There can also be sudden and strange expectations you place on yourself, perhaps to make the most of the extra time home. Some writers are beating themselves up, creating unrealistic expectations, convinced that if they don't finish their novels by the end of the quarantine period they would have "wasted" this time. Others are being challenged by a lack of focus and motivations, or placing themselves at their loved ones' beck and call, lacking any healthy boundaries. Others are struggling with mental health: increased anxiety and bouts of depression. There's a lot to juggle internally and externally--not to even mention maintaining health, security, and your standard of living.

Here are a few ways to work with your relationship to your writing during this time: 

Guard Your Solitude--And Enlist Your Loved Ones To Do The Same

I love this quote by Rilke:

“...the highest task of a bond between two people [is] that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other...”

If you have a partner or roommate at home, sit them down and let them know what you need. Perhaps you're an introvert who feels drained with too much socialization. And, of course, you need writing time. Schedule your solitude. Create signals that everyone knows that show you shouldn't be bothered unless someone's bleeding or the house is on fire. I have a doorknob sign I bought at Graceland with Elvis's logo: "TCB" - taking care of business.  I put that there when I'm meditating and when I'm in the zone with writing. I created a Do Not Disturb doorknob sign for you in my free Flow Lab Sneak Peak download.

Set Boundaries Around Your Creativity (And Schedule It In)

Here’s a whole article I wrote with ways you can set boundaries around your creativity (with others and yourself!). It goes into all the ways to sustain a healthy writing practice. 

My husband and I enjoy walks together, but now that he's home, I still take a solo walk when I feel like it. The loss of this solitude would be harmful to my creativity and mental health. I need time alone. Lots of it. My husband is a massive extrovert. We're lucky that we've had a lot of practice with this dance, having just come off a year of international housesitting together. Because he’s a writer, too, and a meditator, we’re basically the Swiss Guard over each other's solitude. It's one of the things I value and appreciate most in my life.

Digital Boundaries

I've also worked hard over the years to set boundaries with tech.

I keep my phone on airplane mode while I'm writing - and not even in my writing space, as a lot of research has shown that even the presence of a phone is distracting.

To that end, I don't have news  or social media notifications on my phone.

I set an alarm for the one or two times a day I intend to post on social (more now, though, which I have to be very intentional about - it's easy to fall down the rabbit hole).

Inever answer my phone when it rings - I let it go to voicemail and call back when I'm not writing. I make sure that I budget the time, too--I know who the chatty Cathies in my circle are. These are just a few of the ways I've set my own boundaries - and it certainly works. Though these methods are arguably easier for someone without children than for someone without, all too often I see writers with kids make the mistake of using that excuse as a blanket reason for why you "can't write." There are far too many prolific writers with kiddos to offer up as evidence to the contrary. (Obviously we hold space when you don't have a partner's support, health issues, massive financial strain, elderly parents, etc. But if you add up all the time you spend on your phone or unnecessarily checking email or bingeing Netflix, we can likely agree there are pockets of time to write). 

Not everyone has had the chance to test run the quarantine life or have years of setting boundaries, though. There may be a lot of tension at home right now. Think about what you need. What the fair expectations are. Then communicate that. And take good care of yourself while you're at it. 

Mindful Social Media

Recognize that when you go down the social media rabbit hole, that's really valuable time away from writing. Be intentional and only check at certain times of the day. Turn of notifications. Keep the TV off. Have a healthy relationship to texting and calling. Of course you want to be in touch with your loved ones and you want to be safe, healthy, and aware. Recognize when you're using social media as a way to procrastinate or have fallen into a kind of habit energy. Keep a sense of whether or not you're sliding into an unhealthy, addictive relationship with your tech and the Web. 

Straight Spine, Open Heart

In meditation we talk about posture as a straight spine with an open front. In your relationship to yourself and others, consider ways you can have a straight spine (healthy boundaries and personal discipline, mindfulness, and intentionality) and an open heart (recognizing how tough it is for everyone - and you - right now, and finding ways to be loving and kind and compassionate....while also holding your personal line).

For those of you who are in caregiving roles, it can be all too easy to be zapped of every second of personal time and space. Be aware of feelings of guilt or of allowing other people's drama to become yours. Be there for your loved ones and recognize that of course more is expected of all of us now. But you can love them and still say no. You don't have to answer the phone every time it rings. You don't have to text back immediately. 

My advice is to have a conversation with those you are closest to, the ones who will expect your time and energy. Set your boundaries, give them some love, then hold the line. 

PSA: You will have needy friends and family members who are not writers and so have much more time to call and text you. They'll want to worry out loud. They'll want to share the latest thing they saw about the virus on Twitter. Community and connection are vital more than ever before and so OF COURSE you want to keep connecting. But. Be mindful of the time suck involved. Be mindful of when someone is just bored and dialing you up compared to when they actually need help and are in crisis. Get intentional about family/friend check-ins: Are there specific times you can jump on the phone? Could you do Zoom lunch dates? Only check and respond to texts at certain times of the day?

My Homebound Resources

I created a page on my website for writers on my website. 

Here you’ll find:

The link for the free weekly Zoom calls (as well as recording of past calls) that I’m doing for the first four weeks of social distancing.

The Flow Lab sneak peek download, which includes a writing sign-in sheet for your writing cave and a Do Not Disturb doorknob sign, as well as my best practices for setting boundaries around your creativity so you can have a sustainable and flourishing writing practice.

Helpful blog posts for mindful ways to be in relationship to your creativity, especially now.

Q & A dialogue with tips for writing during social distancing.

A few helpful meditations that you can download and begin working with right now.


I’ve been digging this Norwegian proverb, which is wonderfully mindful and some serious real talk:

“Either it will be okay, or it will pass.”

Hold fast, camerados.

3 Ways To Set Boundaries Around Your Creativity

If you’re someone who does creative work, unless it’s bringing in a reasonable paycheck, you probably treat it like a hobby. Is it really a big deal if you didn’t write today? Your family needed clean laundry. So what if you didn’t paint this afternoon? Your sister called to vent about another crisis at her corporate job. Sure, you wish you could have gone outside and shot some photographs while the light was fantastic, but your kids were fighting and you needed to intervene.

We hear a lot about setting boundaries — in families, in friendships, and in the workplace. So what makes us think we can neglect them when it comes to our creative time? We often devalue any work that doesn’t earn an income, and what’s more, we assume talent is all that creative work demands. “The one thing creative souls around the world have in common is that they all have to practice to maintain their skills,” writes choreographer Twyla Tharp in her book The Creative Habit. “Art is a vast democracy of habit.”

If you set and hold healthy boundaries around your creativity, you’ll be growing the conditions for your best art to bloom. Here are three ways to establish perimeters that work for you.

Schedule your creativity and make it nonnegotiable

You wouldn’t cancel an important doctor’s appointment because you just weren’t feeling it and your best friend invited you to coffee, right? Make your creative time nonnegotiable, meaning not up for discussion. You schedule time, you turn down invites, you reserve the room (read: the kids don’t get the den to play in for the time you need to be in there to work), you hire the sitter. And then you hold the line. You do not cancel this date with the muse for any reason unless you are on your deathbed, the house is on fire, or your city has been attacked by extraterrestrial terrorists.

You may be surprised to find that the person who breaches your boundaries the most is… you. When you make your creative time nonnegotiable, you stop bargaining with the part of your brain that would much rather binge watch Peaky Blinders or get a quick dopamine hit from knocking a few items off the to-do list. In a recent Tim Ferris interview, writer Neil Gaiman says that when he’s writing, he’s allowed to do two things: write or stare out the window. No matter how difficult the writing is, eventually, he says, staring out the window gets to be boring. So he writes.

Your action item: Look at your schedule and find all the possible pockets of time for your creativity. If you have a partner, roommate, kids, or anyone who might push up against this boundary, let them know this is your creative time and that it’s nonnegotiable. Find someone to hold you accountable. A fellow creative or your bossy friend will ensure you keep your promises to yourself.

Reframe the word “no”

As a writing coach, I often work with people who are struggling to prioritize their creative work over doing dishes, running errands, or returning emails. If I had a nickel for every time I heard one of my clients say they’d frittered away writing time because they “feel guilty,” I’d own an island. The reasons for the guilt vary, but it always comes down to this: They’ve put others’ needs above their own. In these cases, we reframe the situation. What if saying “no” to someone (or something) isn’t a negative? What if this “no” is actually a “yes” — to your vibrant, flourishing, life-giving creative force?

To stand your best chance of forming a lifelong creative habit, Tharp suggests building a metaphorical bubble around yourself — and then staying in it. “Being in the bubble does not have to mean exiling yourself from people and the world,” she writes. “It is more a state of mind, a willingness to subtract anything that disconnects you from your work.”

The more you respect your bubble, the more others will, too. If you’re quick to give in every time someone knocks on your home office door, or say “yes” every time you’re invited to a spontaneous dinner, you’re telegraphing that you’re not, in fact, very serious about your creativity — so why should they be?

Your action item: Write down what your creative bubble might look like. Then list all the unhelpful habits keeping you from living in it. (Pro tip: See how much screen time you’re logging on your phone). In getting rid of those habits, don’t think of it as depriving yourself, but rather saying “yes” to possibility.

Get resourceful about overcoming obstacles

It’s all too easy to give up when the conditions for creativity aren’t ideal. But unless you’re constantly on an idyllic retreat in the woods, they never will be. Here are some creative ways to overcome the obstacles of life:

• One writer I work with is a mom who does her writing at all the grocery stores and local gyms that offer free childcare while customers shop or work out. Genius, right?

• Another client swaps creative time with her partner, watching the kids while he works on his music so that he’ll watch them when she works on her novel.

• Many of my clients bring their laptops to their cars and work while waiting for school pickups and other obligations.

• When I needed to get out of living in chaotic, loud, expensive NYC, but didn’t know where I’d go, I embarked on a nearly year-long housesitting adventure, writing my novels in beautiful locations all over the world — and only paying for the airfare to get to those places.

Your action item: Consider: What resources are available to you that you’re not utilizing? Who can become a co-conspirator? Are you wasting your commute? (Subways are great places to write!) Is there a little-used conference room at work you can sneak into to fine-tune your sketches after hours? It’s time to get imagining so that you can get creating.

*This post was originally published in Medium’s Forge publication.

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